Navigating Parenting Partnerships: Beyond the 50-50 Split
Parenting is arguably one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences we can have in life. For partners navigating the journey together, it can also be a massive change from the relationship you had when it was just the two of you.
As a nanny agency team with partners and families of our own – and with a long professional experience of seeing what it takes to raise children – we know how tough it can be to do it all. Mountains of housework and a long list of responsibilities for the kiddo’s daily life can drown even the most hardy of us. Here are some of our thoughts on fostering a supportive and equitable environment at home, for a relationship that feels like a partnership.
Redefining Fairness
The first idea is maybe the biggest one, and it’s a tough pill to swallow sometimes. The takeaway here is that a relationship isn’t always 50-50, nor is parenting.
There will be times (it may be days – it may be months) when one partner needs more support than the other. This may mean they need more time for rest or less responsibilities where the housework is concerned.
“When one of you wins, everyone wins”
This can be really difficult to give, especially if you yourself are tired. Ideally, the bottom line is that it isn’t 50-50, but rather that it ideally would be 80-80. If both partners always try to give more than their “fair” share, then in the long span of a life together, both partners (and their kiddos) will feel supported and know someone has their back. Think of it not as taking from your half and giving to the other’s, but as both of you putting that energy into the family piggy bank: when one person in the family wins, everyone in the family wins.
If, instead, you are constantly keeping score, chances are you will have the opportunity to be disappointed on the daily. So it's not about keeping score but about adjusting to the family’s needs.
Top tips:
Communicate Openly: Regular check-ins can help partners express their needs and frustrations without judgment, fostering understanding and teamwork.
Share the Mental Load: Ensure both of you participate in planning and decision-making. It's not just about doing tasks but also about knowing what needs to be done and when.
Strategies to Balance the Scales
Rotate Responsibilities: When it comes to housework or childcare responsibilities, avoid monotony and resentment by rotating who does what, especially the less desirable tasks. This keeps both partners engaged and aware of what it takes to manage a household.
Set Clear Expectations: Discuss and agree on who is responsible for what. Clear delegation can prevent assumptions and overlooked tasks. In some families, it works for each parent to have clear and consistent areas of responsibility (one partner may deal with everything related to the car, one does all the cooking while the other always takes the dishes, etc.), while in other families it’s better for everyone to do some of any task at some point.
“Oh but you pack the kiddos lunches so well, and I don’t know what they eat”
Teach and Learn: If one partner typically handles certain chores, consider setting up a system where you teach each other how to do them. This ensures both are capable, fostering a more flexible and resilient team. This way, your partner can always step in to take care of something that’s typically your responsibility, and there’ll be none of the “Oh but you pack the kiddos lunches so well and I don’t know what they eat” argument. Weaponized incompetence is no friend of a partnership.
Addressing Gender Norms in Housework
It’s not a gripe, it’s just statistics. Whether they are stay-at-home or working full-time, the burden of housework falls more heavily on women in heterosexual relationships. Many parents who felt equal before having kids, or who even worked consciously to divide housework evenly, find themselves falling into the trap of gender norms after the baby arrives, which can easily lead to resentment in the long run, even when everyone had the best intentions.
If you’re a mom, can you practice resting and handing off responsibility, even if things do not get done exactly the way you wanted?
If you’re a dad or non-stay-at-home parent, can you take it upon yourself to know what needs to be done and to do it?
Prioritizing Individual and Couple Time
One of the tough things about having kids, especially in the early years, is how much of yourself and your own needs you have to put aside. It’s not unusual for your romantic relationship to be completely stuffed in a closet as its upkeep ends up last on the to-do list.
If possible, try to find time for both partners to get to do something on their own, without kiddos or other responsibilities, as well as time for you to do things as a couple without the kiddos.
It can be really hard to find any time, but keeping your ambitions low raises your chances.
A short walk by yourself, a workout, or a monthly night with friends goes a long way.
For you as a couple, steal an hour together by commuting, or take the opportunity while the kids are off on a playdate.
It doesn’t have to be a huge, romantic date that requires you to dress up (who has that energy during the sleepless toddler years), just a moment to connect and remember why you like each other.
Finally, try to recognize that being a parent, especially of young children, is a massive shift. For some parents, the key was reaching acceptance that it wasn’t going to be how it was when you were young and child-free. And while you might have lot some freedoms, look at all you have gained by becoming a family.
Hard but Worth It
Partnerships in parenting are about giving and taking flexibly and generously—often more than 50-50. By fostering open communication, equitable sharing of tasks, and making it a priority to squeeze in personal and couple time wherever possible, parents can support each other effectively through the ups and downs of raising a family. Successful co-parenting not only helps build a stable and loving environment for your children, it gives you a better chance at a longer, more positive life together. And that’s worth 50 plus 50, plus more.
Ps. A nanny can also help you take some of that stress off your family’s plate, with engaging activities for kiddos and keeping the child-related housework at bay. If you’re looking for a stellar nanny to strengthen your family’s joy, reach out to us. We’ll get to know you personally and make thoughtful matches with candidates we think will be just right for your family. Click the button below to get started.