Mom guilt - what is it and how can you get past it?
Because mom guilt gets to pretty much every parent
We hear it everywhere - talking to parents looking to hire a nanny, on family forums, and in our own social circles: mom guilt sneaks into so many aspects of parenting. Parents feel guilty about leaving their kids to go to work, they feel guilty about the time they spend with their kids and guilty about the fact that they don’t really, actually, like to play pretend that much at all and wish their preschooler would stop asking.
But can anything be done about it? And can getting rid of mom guilt actually help us be better parents?
What is mom guilt?
At its core, mom guilt is the feeling that you are not a good enough mom. Often it is because you are pulled in different directions and there isn’t time or energy to live up your own ideals or society's ideals. It can also be a feeling of not measuring up to other moms you see, especially on social media. But the problem with mom guilt isn’t not being a good enough mom, it’s not being an unrealistic, perfect mom.
What about dads?
As with so many other things labeled “Mom” in parenting (see our recent blog post on mommy blogs, for one!), mom guilt extends to all parents. This is especially true nowadays when more dads than ever are involved in parenting and responsibilities in the home. They, too, want to be the best dads they could possibly be.
However, women still face double standards to a greater extent than men. Women are expected to be careerists without missing a moment on the home front. Women in heterosexual relationships still do more daily housework when both parents are working. One study by Pew Research Center found that women spend twice as much time as men on both childcare and household chores each week. A Gallup poll found that only half of households say they split childcare equally. So while dads certainly can feel guilt about not being the ideal dad, social pressures in general punish moms more for not getting there.
What are examples of mom guilt?
There are of course infinite examples of mom guilt, but they tend to revolve around similar parts of parenthood. A few examples are:
Being away from the kids for work. This is a prime mom guilt example that does seem to affect women more than men, likely because of society’s expectations. Whether you financially need to go back to work or you want to continue in a career you’ve worked hard to build, leaving a little one for the day tends to dig into the guilt gut, and for some that feeling never really goes away.
Child rearing. Every parent has at some point been faced with The Opinions of Others, be they relatives, friends, or strangers in the subway. “Oh you’re not breastfeeding?!” “You know if you let him have that binkie his teeth will be ruined for life.” “When my Henry was little, we never let him do that, it’s just much too dangerous/coddling/cold.” It never ends, and no matter how much you may try to ignore it, sometimes those comments get to you. Then, when you’re lying awake at night, you may start to wonder, “Is the reason my baby isn’t walking at 9 months because I didn’t feed him sweet potato?” and the guilt race is off.
Comparison guilt. Sheila down the street only gives her kids organic carrot sticks, and this mom you follow on TikTok hasn’t let her child even see a screen in their entire life. It’s easy as a parent to see the best parts of someone else’s life - or how they choose to present them - and only compare oneself to those parts. The truth is Sheila has a bunch of mom guilt about her things, too.
Not loving playing with kids. Real talk here: not everyone loves pretending to fly an airplane / buy a hot dog / be a unicorn three thousand times in a row, according to very precise rules set forth by a four-year-old, who then yells at you when you do it wrong. It’s easy as a parent to feel guilty that you don’t think it’s particularly fun to play on the kids’ terms for hours on end, or that you do crave some adult conversation.
So what do I do about the mom guilt?
Maybe your child wouldn’t be better off if there was zero screen time
Mom guilt is part of being a parent, perhaps, and hard to get rid of completely. So there may not be a one-and-done easy answer as to what to do about it. The first step, as always, is acknowledging that it is there, and knowing that it is not necessarily objective truth. Maybe your child wouldn’t be better off if there was zero screen time, because you use that time to work out or recharge your batteries or get some housework done, so that when you two spend time together, you can be a more present, more nurturing parent. Again, we keep comparing ourselves to a perfect ideal parent who just couldn’t exist.
But the upside to this is: the perfect, ideal parent isn’t actually what’s best for your kiddo.
Good enough parenting
Child and developmental psychologists have long worked with the concept of “good enough parenting”. This theory posits that if a parent is attentive, loving, supportive, present a majority of the time, this is the experience and impression that the child will bring with them as they grow. It sort of wipes out the times when the parent lost their patience or didn’t read their child’s cues perfectly.
Good enough parenting also teaches a child what it is to be a complete human being, with flaws and reactions. After all, sometimes it is appropriate for a parent to get mad, or yell if they’re scared the kid is about to hurt themselves, for example. This may scare the child at first, but then they learn, oh this is dangerous for real, or, when people treat me badly I, too, have the right to feel angry. The important thing isn’t that you’re perfect, it’s that you are a consistent adult figure who loves the child and continues to come back to them.
Show yourself some compassion
If you feel yourself spiraling into ideas of being a bad parent, try to catch that idea before it feels too big or too true.
Take a deep breath and pause in the situation.
Try to step out of the thought or the situation and look at it from the outside. Is it objectively as “bad” as you imagined?
See if you can identify where the guilt is coming from. Is it because you’re doing something other mom friends would judge? Is it something you think you should be doing because someone on Instagram does it, or because society has told you that’s what makes a good mom?
Try to reframe or challenge the idea that this situation is cause for guilt. Remind yourself why you’re doing it and that you need to look after your own needs and wants in order to be able to show up for your kiddo.
In short, cut yourself some slack. Forgive yourself when you need to, and then try to let it go. You are, it turns out, only human. (And maybe consider unfollowing a few perfect parent accounts while you’re at it.)
If a dedicated, wonderful nanny would be a helpful addition to your life puzzle, get in touch with us. We’ve been connecting families and nannies for over a decade, and we can help you find the best solution for your family.
How have you handled mom guilt? We’d love to hear your advice - you can find us on Instagram and Facebook.
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