The strange privilege of raising someone else’s child
Or: can I be myself as a nanny?
Nannying is an oftentimes wonderful and rewarding job, but have you ever stopped in the middle of it and thought to yourself how different it is from going to a corporate office?
There you are, in someone else’s kitchen, packing someone else’s child’s lunch, reminding someone else’s child to put on their shoes, and it hits you: I am helping raise a human being… who isn’t mine.
It’s a big and beautiful responsibility, but sometimes it’s also a bit disorienting. Are you doing it right? Are you being the right person for this child and this family?
If you’re early in your career, it’s easy to feel like there’s a “right way” to do it. Like there’s a perfect type of nanny you’re meant to be, or that you are a stand-in for the parents while they can’t be there, and you need to be just like them for this all to work.
But here’s the truth: you are not meant to be a replica of the parents. You are meant to be a steady, thoughtful, reliable and real adult in that child’s life. And you can be exactly that while still being yourself.
You’re not the parent – but you’re not just anybody, either
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: being a nanny is a unique sort of job. It’s a professional role, but it’s firmly ingrained in a family’s daily life. You’re not a parent or family member, but you fill a vital role that helps the family function, a role often full of love.
Not being a parent means you’re not the ultimate authority. But you’re still there for the daily moments, stepping up to the plate and making judgment calls, whether it’s for scraped knees, meltdowns, or Big Questions about the world.
In the industry, we often talk about nannies as partners in raising children. The most effective caregiving relationships are built on collaboration and shared goals, especially around things like behavior, routines, and emotional development. As a nanny, you are actively shaping how a child experiences their day, how they feel safe, how they learn.
The myth of the “Perfect Nanny”
It’s easy to walk into a job thinking: I need to do this exactly how the parents would. And respecting a family’s values is essential. Consistency in child-rearing and rule-enforcement helps kids feel secure. Most experts (including us!) emphasize aligning on expectations and communication from the start.
But alignment doesn’t mean erasing yourself from the set-up.
We know how easy it is, especially early on in your career, to try to be some perfect nanny, or that parent-replacement, but kids aren’t looking for perfection (nor are the parents) – they’re looking for an authentic caregiver they can trust.
Are you engaged? Attentive? An adult role model for them? Are the kids secure? Happy? Learning? Boom. You are doing your job well. Are you putting up a front? Kiddos will see straight through you.
Finding the balance
So how do you balance the family’s dynamic and system with your own personality and caregiving style? It takes some skill, a bit of flexibility, and an ability to read the situation.
The balance might look like:
Following the parents’ approach to discipline and rules, but using your own tone and style to follow through
Respecting routines, while bringing your own creativity to play and learning
Reinforcing the family’s values, while still being a different (and positive) adult influence
The best way to figure out what this balance looks like is to communicate with the parents – at the start of your job, throughout your time with them, and, in fact, before you’ve even begun.
The interview is your chance to align
Before you ever start your job comes the interview. And while it’s very much your time to shine and show the parents why you’d be great and that they should hire you, it’s also a chance for you to gauge if your caregiving style can align with their family ways.
During the interview, ask yourself:
Can I support their parenting style without feeling like I’m pretending?
Do their expectations feel aligned with how I work with children?
Is there space for me to be myself here?
If the role requires you to be someone you’re not, or if you’re not comfortable with their expectations, it won’t feel good, for you or for them. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong, it might just not be the right fit.
The privilege of raising kiddos
Some say it’s daunting to help raise someone else’s child. But a lot of nannies and babysitters see it as a huge privilege, and an enduring joy.
You are helping shape how a child understands relationships, to themselves and others. How they regulate emotions. How they move through the world. How they understand the world and their place in it – and how there can be different perspectives on that.
At the same time, you get to be there for snuggles and jokes, to see a child’s personality develop and grow. You get to see them take nuggets of wisdom they’ve learned from you and present it to others, show off skills you’ve practiced together, reach a point where they’re secure enough to run off for their own playtime, always returning to the safety of your arms now and again just to top up on courage.
So no, you are not the parent, but you are an important part of that child’s story. And man, that makes you pretty amazing. ❤️
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