Navigating Mom Guilt When Returning to Work: A Guide for Parents
Going back to work - by necessity or by choice - can bring the mom guilt right in front of you
In the complex world of parenting, "mom guilt" is a recurring theme. We have previously discussed various aspects of mom guilt and how it permeates so many elements of a parent's life. It's that nagging feeling of inadequacy, the sense that you're not quite living up to the expectations set by society or by yourself, and it can really get in the way of enjoying all the wonderful, wondrous things that also come with being a parent.
Today, we will delve deeper into one particular aspect of mom guilt, one that resonates with many women: the guilt that accompanies the return to work. Whether it's after a six-week maternity leave or years spent raising children at home, transitioning back into the professional world can trigger significant guilt.
Why is Working Mom guilt so tough?
“We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and raise children as if they don’t work.”
Amy Westervelt
Many parents experience guilt when they must leave their children to go to work. However, it’s often especially tough for moms. As author and journalist Amy Westervelt says, “We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and raise children as if they don’t work.” No wonder the hours, the availability, the attention don’t add up. Common feelings include:
Feeling like you’re always letting someone down, whether it’s your child, your partner, or your boss
The nagging reminder that you are not living up to the perfect ideal self you had in your head, both professionally and at home
The worry that your child will forget about you and love your nanny, daycare worker, grandparent, or other caregiver more.
Feeling like everyone in your Instagram is somehow pulling it off and looking perfect while doing it (psst: they’re not)
The reason or timing may not make a difference
There are lots of times and lots of reasons why moms go back to work:
Their weeks of paid maternity leave are up and they have to go back to not lose their job
They have to return to work for financial reasons
They love their work and can’t wait to get back to it
They fear professional setbacks if they’re away too long
They’ve been home raising their children for years and now want to return to the work force as the kids are in school/have moved out/don’t need as much care
But here’s the secret: moms in all of the above groups can feel mom guilt about returning to work. So if you are a working mom and any of the above applies to you, trust us, you are not alone.
Dealing with the guilt
In our previous post about mom guilt, we talked about “good enough parenting”, and the fact that your child doesn’t need a perfect parent to grow up secure and feeling loved. There are some more tricks you can employ to help you feel less guilty and maybe reframe the thoughts you are having about yourself.
Make a Pro list
Whether you missed work or not, it can be easy to feel like work is a culprit taking you away from your family. Make a little pros-only list about the benefits you may get from working that will in turn be a positive factor for your family.
It may be as simple as that there will be more money in the household budget, but can also be larger ideas like how men who grew up with working mothers are more likely to do household chores and spend time caring for their children as adults.
Maybe for you the chance to have adult conversations during the day helps you fully commit to being in your kid’s world when you come home, or that having great caregivers around your child can enrich their learning and growth.
Sort through lower priorities
It’s easy to want to be the star parent who shows up to every bake sale and PTA meeting or the employee who goes to coworker happy hour. That takes time and energy too, however. See if you can sort out your weekly commitments and find what’s less important when it comes to being a parent or team member. Maybe your kiddo can come to the bake sale so it becomes an activity you do together? Maybe you can encourage office team bonding during proper lunch breaks, instead?
Don’t do the guilt’s work for it
Mom guilt is so hard to avoid, especially when society is quick to frown upon your priorities or coping mechanisms. Try to catch yourself from adding fuel to the fire. If you’re feeling guilty – at work or at home, about ignoring the other – take a look at the thought. Think, Is this a reasonable thought? Maybe go through the reasons why you are currently where you are (“This little league game was important to me, and my kiddo is so happy I’m here”; “If I knock this project out of the park, it’s a feather in my cap and I’ll be able to take Friday off and fully disconnect over the long weekend to be with my family”)
Consider bringing on extra help
A nanny can help your child knock out developmental milestones and grow to be their most secure, happy self.
You may be juggling work with various childcare options, and anyone who’s tried to put together that puzzle knows how frazzling it can be and how it can stoke the mom guilt. Take a moment to think through your needs and consider if maybe hiring a nanny could make your juggling act easier.
With an experienced, engaging nanny, your child is getting one-on-one care in a very special type of relationship that complements, not replaces, yours. A nanny can help your child knock out developmental milestones and grow to be their most secure, happy self. Not to mention the fact that when you do come home from work, the dishes will be done and the toys put away, so all you have to do is focus on quality time with your family.
If you’ve decided that a nanny is right for you, let Smart Sitting help you. With over a decade of experience connecting families with their ideal nanny or babysitter, we can spot the connection that’ll help you put mom guilt if not entirely behind you, then at least in the back of the closet, to be ignored as much as last year’s half-broken Halloween decorations.