Navigating The Bond with Your Kiddos: A Nanny's Guide
Help! This job is great – but this relationship is tricky!
Being a nanny is more than a job—it's about building connections that help nurture and develop the young minds you're entrusted with. However, navigating the emotional bonds that form in the process can sometimes be challenging.
As a nanny agency with over 15 years of making matches and seeing caregiver-family relationships bloom, we know a thing or two about finding the sweet spot between a nanny and their charge. Whether a child seems to prefer you over their parents or struggles to warm up to you, here are some empathetic and professional tips to help you manage these sensitive dynamics effectively.
When the Child Prefers You
As nannies, of course we want the kiddos to like us, but what if the kiddo clings to you every time it’s time to say goodbye and refuses to go to its parents? It's flattering when a child shows a strong attachment to you, but it can sometimes put you in a tricky position with the parents. Here’s how you can handle this gracefully:
Honesty first: If this is an obvious and recurring event that’s made it awkward for both you and the parents, don’t pretend it isn’t happening. Acknowledge what’s going on and confirm how great it is that their kiddo loves you and that you’re grateful for the 5-star rating. You can reassure the parents that this is normal and that kiddos want all their favorite people with them. Remember, you are not replacing the parents, you are another wonderful, important person in this child’s life. But for us adults, sometimes the heart strings get in the way and interpret things differently.
Set Respectful Boundaries: While you’re a key figure in the child's life, reinforce the parents' primary role. Make sure to step back and allow private family moments whenever possible. When it is time for you to go home, reiterate to the kiddo that you are going to your own home and they stay with their family, and that you’ll be back again tomorrow (or whenever your next shift may be) for more fun playtime. Neutral, positive goodbyes are a reassuring and comforting way for the child to learn how this relationship works.
Talk about it: Separation anxiety can stem from a number of things, and may be the root of why your charge clings to you, even when the parents are there. If it’s to the point where it’s become and issue, bring it up to the parents. Ask how they want to handle it and what you can do to ease the situation. You may suggest spending some time together, parents, nanny and kiddo, to do fun activities and see that everyone’s on the same page.
On the other hand, if the parents are simply delighted that the child loves you so much, agree together that you will keep up the firm and friendly goodbyes and reassure the kiddo that you’ll be there the next shift again.
When the Connection Is Slow to Build
Not every child will instantly connect with a new nanny, and that’s perfectly okay. We’ve seen some beautiful, long-lasting, immensely loving nanny-child relationships evolve out of what started in reluctance, refusal, and a fair few tears.
It can be super tough as a nanny to go to work knowing you’ll be met by a colleague who straight out says they don’t want you there, but with some time, patience, and a few supernanny tricks up your sleeve, you’ll soon win them over, and the fun can begin!
Here’s how you can build a more robust relationship over time:
Ease into the routine: If this is a new working relationship, see if the parents are open to a “warm-up period”. During this period, you might only spend short periods with the child, gradually increasing the time as they become more comfortable with you. Alternately, if there is no such time, start slow by keeping everything else familiar and stable. Maybe play in the house or a local playground first for a few days before attempting bigger adventures or other unknowns.
Discover their interests: Engage in activities they love. Whether it’s building LEGO castles, painting, or reading their favorite books, sharing in these activities can help break the ice. Get the skinny from the parents and entice them with their faves – maybe you can even bring some stuff with you that is new, exciting, and just up their alley!
Be consistent and patient: Children need time to adjust to new caregivers and to trust strangers. This is a healthy attachment mechanism to stay safe and cared for. Consistency in your approach and patience in your interactions go a long way in building trust. You can create a greeting routine or pick a song that you sing every day to say hello or goodbye, signaling that your time with them is set and you are not there to take them away from their parents.
Honesty and respect: Be positive but validate their experience. It’s okay to say, “I know you miss dad and it makes you sad when I’m here instead of him, but we are going to have so much fun today at the park and then after lunch it’s time for dad to come home again and then we will say good-bye.” Acknowledging their feelings in neutral way and then putting a positive spin on it doesn’t make them more sad, it just tells them that you see them and understand them, and that you are a reliable adult who’s looking out for them.
Open Discussions with Parents
We’ve said it time and time again: clear and empathetic communication with parents is key to navigating any potential challenges:
Regular updates and feedback: Share insights about the child's behavior and any changes you observe. This helps parents feel involved and assures them of your attentiveness and professionalism. Reassure them that their child’s reaction is normal and healthy, and that you are able to work with the child’s emotional expressions to still have a positive day. This may be particularly helpful if it is the parent’s first time working with a nanny or sitter.
Seek guidance and share concerns: If you’re facing challenges, don’t hesitate to ask for the parents' input. They might provide solutions that align well with how they manage similar situations.
It can be a little daunting to talk through relationship snafus with parents, but the honesty and openness to communication is a sign of your professionalism and your focus on the best outcome for the kiddo – and hence the whole family.
It takes a village
If you are a part of the Smart Sitting network, you can also always come to us to talk through any issues like this. Reach out to your dedicated team member, or bring your questions to the Community Coordinators’ bi-weekly support group Zoom and let your experienced peers bring their insight.
And if you are not a Smartsitter, now might just be the time to become one! Being a professional nanny can be incredibly rewarding, even though at times it is complex. We work with experienced, skilled professionals who love what they do – and that helps us match them to their ideal jobs.